Firstly, I put “rules” in air quotes because I am an absolute firm believer that there should be no such thing. I am 100% in the “your day, your way” camp. Having said that, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with sticking with traditions, I love the traditional aspects of weddings … but only if that is what you want. (FYI, I also love the rule breakers). I die a little inside when a couple does something because they feel like, or have been told they have to. I’ve heard it all…
My dad said it was weird to have a best woman.
I don’t want bridesmaids but I am expected to.
I didn’t want to wear a wedding dress but my gran insisted on buying it for me.
I wanted to spend the morning of our big day with my fiance but I didn’t feel like I was allowed!
Why do I have to have a cake, I don’t even like cake!
So, what traditions do we have and which ones (or all!) do you want to break?
Wedding Traditions 101!
The white dress
Giving away the bride
Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, and a silver sixpence in her shoe,
The wedding rings
Throwing rice
The wedding cake
The first dance
The bouquet toss
The honeymoon
Carry the bride over the threshold
Not seeing your intended before the wedding
As I was typing out this list at the beginning of my research into this topic for this article, my immediate thought is how most of these revolve around hetrosexual couples. We are (thankfully) not in that world anymore. Nonetheless, I will look at each of these in turn.
The White Dress
We may think that this wedding tradition has been around forever but it hasn’t. Historically in the UK, brides simply wore their best dress. It didn’t matter what colour it was. Weddings were more about the joining of families, alliances and business than they were about love. Lavish weddings were only usually held by the the rich. The first wedding dress recorded was worn by Philippa of England, all the way back in 1406. But it was only made popular by good old Queen Vic in 1840 when Queen Victoria married Prince Albert. Victoria and Albert’s family were the first royal family to be heavily photographed therefore becoming fashion leaders. It then became a statement of wealth. Let’s also not forget the idea that the white dress is also often associated with purity, innocence and dare I say it, virginity – which was once a desirable trait in a woman. Those particular meanings behind the white dress for most people are now gone and I think that it is now more of an iconic symbol. Yep … we no longer sit down and shut up #girlpower.
There is an excellent article here By Yewande Adeleke if you would like to learn more about the history of white wedding dresses.
So do you need to wear a white wedding dress, or even a dress at all? Of course not! Wear whatever you feel truly amazing in! Despite what some may tell you, it really doesn’t matter. And on the other hand, who cares if you want to wear a white dress on your seventh wedding. The only thing that matters is what is important to you personally. I’m no bridal wear expert, so I am not going to go into the hundreds of different options for you I will leave that to those who have more knowledge that me on the subject. Article: Bustle
Giving the Bride away
Now I am not a fan of the history of this one as I am sure most women aren’t. I think in modern times we tend to think (I hope!) of it as one of the most important people in our lives (and not always a father) leading us into our future. However, the history of it is not so warm and bubbly. This tradition dates back to a time where women were considered property and belonged to their father, until she could be traded for a dowry. The father would arrange his daughter’s marriage with someone he deemed suitable in exchange for money, land or social status. Grim! Still, despite it’s history, it is something we still do. My dad walked me down the aisle and even if back then I knew the history I still would have asked him to do so, for me it was about sharing that special moment with him. As always, whether or not you want to follow this tradition is personal choice. But, if you don’t want to go with the traditional father giving the bride away there are other options! You could:
Walk with both parents
Walk with your husband-to-be
Walk by yourself
Walk with a child
Walk with a sibling
I have an even better idea… be escorted by your family dog.
Apologies, give me dogs and I get distracted! To be honest, I don’t care how you get down that aisle, as long as you enjoy your moment. The only thing I truly care about for this moment is that you don’t sprint to the top and you don’t hide yourself behind a gaggle of bridesmaids or groomsmen. On that note, why does only one person walk down the aisle? Why should one person get all the glory! There’s absolutely no reason why you both can’t walk the aisle and both have your moment.
Something old, something new
“something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, a sixpence in your shoe.”
This is one that I have recently seen to be making a comeback! We’re all familiar with the rhyme, but where did it come from? It is an old English rhyme dating back to the 19th century believed to bring good luck. This is a tradition that I love the idea of. However, I can’t say I’d want to spend the entire day with a coin in my shoe.
The Wedding Rings
The exchanging of the rings has to be one of the oldest traditions. Lots of things have changed over the years but one thing remains, the wedding rings. There are a few different variations on where it came from but the important thing is their symbolism. A representation of eternal and everlasting love with no end. The reason it is worn on the third finger on the left hand (also know as the ring finger) is because ancient Egyptians believed that the blood vessels there had a direct link to the heart. Historically, it was just brides who wore the ring. However World War II saw an increase in men wearing wedding bands with serving soldiers wearing them as a reminder of their wives back home.
Throwing Rice or Confetti
I am not even sure throwing rice is still a thing! I can’t say that I have ever seen it done. Throwing rice or grain was to symbolise fertility and it was hoped it would bring the newlyweds luck with starting family, eventually evolving to paper confetti.
In previous decades it was considered commonplace for guests to bring confetti to weddings. In fact you’ll probably find that those of an older generation will still bring confetti to weddings but these days its more common for the couple to provide the confetti, if they want it that is. Of course you don’t have to have confetti at all if you don’t want it. Some venues may not even allow it.
If, like me, you try to be as eco-friendly as possible but still love the idea of confetti you may want to consider alternatives. Whilst paper confetti is in every way a better alternative to plastic confetti (which you absolutely should not use), there is still a carbon footprint attached to it which most people forget about. Suitable eco-friendly alternatives include:
– flower petals, dried or fresh
– dried leaves
– lavender
– herbs
– bird seed
– wildflower seeds
Bubbles aren’t a bad idea, leaving no trace on the ground. However, we need to remember that bubble packs usually contain single use plastic and do still carry a carbon footprint.
Article: How to have an eco-friendly wedding
The Wedding Cake
It’s cake, you either like it or you don’t. If you don’t…you’re wrong. Only joking…maybe. Accounts of the original tradition vary from place to place but one thing they all agree on was the old tradition was a lot less sweet. With couples either breaking bread or having their first kiss over the baked goods, said to symbolise fertility (as a lot of these wedding traditions do apparently). There are a few other traditions around the wedding cake, I don’t propose to go through them all. There’s a rather interesting article here by The Knot for other cake related traditions.
In all honesty there is no way I am going to try and talk you out of a wedding cake. BUT, if you really are set on not having one, alternatives are rising in popularity. Alternatives can be a great way of saving you money and, if you’re not a big fan of cake then what is the point in having one? As much as I do love cake, a wedding should 100% be a reflection on you. So if you don’t like cake, don’t get one – why spend part of your budget on something that you wouldn’t get to enjoy.
The First Dance
Many couples choose not to have a first dance now. Usually it marks the start of the party! However, many find it unnerving, and that’s ok. There does also seem to be a growing trend of choreographed dances, and that is super fun. I think that if you are nervous about swaying up there with everyone watching, something choreographed gives your mind something else to focus on. It does tend to get the crowd all excited as well, with cheers and whoops encouraging you along the way. Another alternative if you still want to get up there and have a first dance as a married couple is for you both to start your first dance and then have the DJ bring up other couples part way through the song. If you do decide not to have a first dance, make this clear to your guests. Otherwise most will still expect it and you’ll find they don’t really want to get up to dance themselves until after that moment – because that’s the way it’s always been done. As a suggestion, get the DJ or band to announce that the first dance will be a group effort and the couple would like everyone up on the floor!
Not seeing your intended before the wedding
This is the last one I am going to cover in this blog post and the only one of the wedding traditions I am going to tell you to bin!
We’ve all heard that it’s bad luck to see your fiancé before your ceremony. It comes from back when marriages were arranged, the bride and groom weren’t allowed to see or meet each other at all until they met other at the altar. I think we can all agree that society is past that now. Your wedding day is one just day of your whole life and it only happens once (vow renewals not included!), why do you only want to spend part of it with each other? Of course there are some variations but most couples tend to get married around 1/2pm. That’s a whole half a day that you have not spent with the person you are going to marry on the happiest and most important days as a couple.
Listen, it’s going to be an absolutely bonkers day. Most married couples will tell you that on your actual wedding day you will barely get 2 minutes together, everyone will want a piece of you. Take some time in the morning just to be with each other. Have breakfast, enjoy the calm before the storm just the 2 of you – maybe have your photographer with you for some of it to capture those moments. Then you can go off to your retrospective wedding parties to get ready. The rest of the day will go past so fast, you have to savour every moment!